In class 3 we have been giving life to inanimate objects in the form of a diary! We’ve had lots of fun writing them and imagining the adventures for these objects. We’d love to know what you think about them.
Carrdyke Federation Blog
Walcott Primary School & Mrs Mary King's C of E Primary School
Monday 28th September
Dear diary
I got pinned to someone’s skirt the colours were horrifying which I thought was quite mean. She had a big furry mammal in her house.(it was a dog)
I was relieved to get out of that torture. I could finally see the light. Minutes later we appeared at a fun house, there was roller coasters scattered everywhere with ear piercing screams. I would have become deaf if I stayed there any longer!
After that, we got in the car and drove off. I was counting how many signs were on the road. There were exactly 52! Maybe, that was not all of them? I finally saw a huge sign that said London. My brain was about to explode with numbers. All you could see was Big Ben when suddenly they got out of the car. Then I fell of the skirt and into a pile of wet mud. I was alone again! It took me an hour to get to Big Ben and up the railings to get to the clock. I finally got to the clock.
The bell was so loud! It scared me that much I fell of Big Ben and landed on a bird. I was terrified I thought i was going to fall of! Moments later I got dropped off on a cold Rocky Mountain right next to hotel. I ran and fell right on the step to the hotel. I walked sensibly into the hotel and slept on a comfy king size bed. In the morning I had a shower and went down for breakfast which was a paper clip smoothie! I went for a swim in the swimming pool. I got my front crawl and back crawl 25m badge. I laid in the jacuzzi . I was dead tired.
I was an safety pin (Keira)
Well done Keira! 😀 2tp. This is a lovely diary entry about the safety pin. I really like that you have organised your events into paragraphs which helps the reader.
Try to think about how you start your piece of writing, for example the first paragraph could set the scene a bit more.
Friday October 30th 2000
Well let me tell you something, yesterday was a close call unbelievably it was in France. Well I set off on a paper plane to be a French gangster. I got some advice from real French gangsters. So I set off to rob a bank.
After I successfully robed the bank it was only when I was a few miles away I heard wailing sirens behind me. So that’s when I learnt you can run but can’t hide from the police.
Next I go to NEW YORK! Yeah! Nothing was better than the Twin Towers I love the U.S.A.
Next I went to Alton tower! I flew off the smiler and… I went to hospital. I had a broken leg. What a shame. I had a wheel chair.
Later, I was in Belfast at the Titanic museum. It was great but that was only until I was left here. Now I am stuck here for now.
I was a treasury tag ( Michael )
Well done Michael! 😀 2tp. You have written a very entertaining and lively diary entry.
Try to consider the amount of detail that you need for each paragraph. I think that you have included a lot of events, but not quite enough information for the reader to understand exactly what happened.
Tuesday 8th March 1914
Dear Diary
Now let me get this straight, I am a button not a battery or a pin, however my best friend is. She’s called Pini the pin. So, enough of all that, let me tell you about my day. I started off on a coat. It was baby blue, my favourite colour. Then the little girl that owned me, Peter, put on the coat, she got in the car and that’s where my journey began.
We finally arrived in town. We went to the shop when Peter saw Ernest Shackleton!
Peter ran up to him in shock. She wondered what he was doing here, then it came to her! He was shopping to get some things to build his ship, the Endurance. All of a sudden, I fell into a pot of buttons! Ernest Shackleton picked me up, and chucked me into his shopping basket. He used me to build his ship. All of a sudden, we set of. It was so hard for me to go away from my home town.
I got soaking wet, only because Ernest put me near the very bottom of the boat. Before I knew it, we were in Antarctica! It was too cold for a little button like me. I closed my eyes and wished to be in a warm place. When I opened my eyes the world went warm. I was back in Peter’s coat! Then I realised, it was all a dream. I looked around a bit and then I saw, THE EIFFEL TOWER! Then we had to go back home. We arrived home really late at night. It was good to be home.
I was a Button (Kasey)
This is a very entertaining diary entry Kasey! Well done! 😎 2tp!
Try to consider making your diary even more realistic next time by thinking about how long something would take. I think you’d struggle to go to Antarctica and Paris in the same day. Also, when you start talking about a new topic in your diary remember to start a new paragraph.
Thursday 17th March 1593
I morning, I woke up on piece of paper, I then got picked up and got put in someones pocket and went to the park. Next I got on a horse to get to London. I saw the Great Fire of London. I felt astonished about was happening. I was so excited the Great Fire of London looked wonderful. I also felt quite shocked.
A couple minuets later, I got on a pipe and started to climb. I am falling down a drain! I was so nervous I was shacking. A while later I got clipped onto a piece of paper.
Seconds later, I was so sad I have to leave the Great Fire of London. Moments later I got onto a plane, I was on a mans coat. I then got off the plane and went home after my big journey. I felt relieved because I completed my journey.
I was a paper grabber (Kyle)
Well done Kyle! 2tp. 😎 You’ve included lots of events to make this interesting.
Always remember to re-read your sentences to check that they make sense as your first sentence needs editing and improving. Also, try to lengthen your paragraphs and include more detail about what exactly happened.
Tuesday 29th September
When I woke up I went to Leicester with my friend and I was so excited I could not wait.My master took me on a plane.I jumped out my masters poket and jumped in the windo of the plane. A fyew minutes later before I knew it we had arrived at Leicester .we flew really fast.we there.The plane tuck us home and we got in the car and we got in the car and drove some were else
Then we drove to London in the car.Some one stud on me because I fell out of the car.My master took me to hospital.My arm was painful.i got back in the car and I went to London. On the way I saw a blew bird.today I had such an adventure.
I was a whistle (Millie)
Wow Mille! I can see that you have tried really hard with your diary entry. 😀 2tp. You have understood that you must write in the past tense.
Try to extend your sentences by using conjunctions. This will help add more detail into your writing. ‘I was in a lot of pain so we had to go to the hospital.’
Friday 8th October
I just want you to know that I went on an exciting adventure today. I went to Antarctica. I felt excited and chilly. I got on a plane and went to London, the weather was boiling hot. I was cheerful. Next I went to Legoland. I felt very happy, but didn’t like travelling in a car. There were toys and the weather was very hot. I felt very happy to be here.
After this I got on a plane and went back to London, the weather was boiling hot. I felt tired and happy to be back here.
I was a paintbrush (Ellie)
Well done Ellie! Your paintbrush certainly had a great time. 😎 2tp. I like that you used time connectives in your writing like ‘next’ and ‘after’.
Next time try to think about how you group your paragraphs. You could have a new paragraph for each place that you visited.
First I went to a land with whales. It was scorching hot it was like Africa. The sea was so cold it felt so nice.
However there were even other people there. Everybody was relaxing and so was I.
One beautiful day I went to a place and it was a waterfall there was a rainbow at the bottom. The water was so hot and nice. It was very peaceful and sunny.
I went on a old train and there were no colours it was in the olden days. There weren’t any TV’s, xboxes or iPads. I was so bored because, like I just said, there wasn’t anything to do.
(I was a lolly pop stick)Harry
Well done Harry! I can see that you have tried hard to include detail in your diary entry. 😀 2tp.
Try to use better openers for your writing such as:
‘It all began …’
‘Later that day…’
‘A short while later…’
Thursday 20th November 2013
Today is another day, I am laying in bed and relaxing. Moments later I was grabbed and got put on a scarf that was were my day started! I didn’t know what I was doing. Then I got thrown onto a car seat and I drove off. I was not very happy! Suddenly, I got picked up again and thrown around a neck.
Then I knew where I was, I was at New York City. Seconded later, I was taken in to a shop, then I started to shake because I didn’t know what was going to happen! I got taken off the warm scarf and dropped on the floor.
Later that day, I got picked up and put on a skirt and got taken to Blackpool. I felt relieved because I went to Blackpool pleasure beach Iarland it was really fun. I got to go on the beach and play on the sand. Suddenly, I got picked up and thrown around in the sea I was lucky not to be dropped!
Finally, I got put back on the skirt and tacked to Blackpool ballroom it was amazing I started to dance that was where my day ended.
I was a safety pin.
By Zara.
Well done Zara! 😀 2tp. I can see that you’ve written a brilliant diary entry and included details to interest the reader.
Try to think about how you might end each paragraph so that they link better together. Also, I think your beginning should be written in the past tense. ‘Today started like any other day…’
Thursday 1 October 2005
First it turned very bright and I was very tired, but I felt so ill that I thought I would not have a birthday. I felt so worried that I started to cry in my bed. Then suddenly the door bell rang. I opened the door and it was the doctor he said come with me you look sick. They took me to the hospital and gave me medicine to make me feel better.
I went home and started to set up the decorations and it looked marvellous. After I drank the drink I made I was so tired I went to bed and started to dream if I will ever see my parents. Then the door bell rang and I saw my parents.
Later on they asked if I would like a drink and I said yes. I went to Disneyland with mum and dad in a taxi. My mum is a medium charger my dad is a big charger and I am a little charger. Later my parents went home I was tired and I wanted to go sleep.
however I was very excited because I was going to have my party later at a broken building which had party balloons in every corner and there was a bar and a disco ball because I love to dance. The drink I got from the bar was mint with little chocolate bits in it.
Finally I went skiing on flat ground and started going down. I started going down a very big mountain. When I finally got home I went to bed because I got a cold from all that skiing down a very big mountain.
I was a charger cable(Morgan)
Well done Morgan! I can see that you’ve tried very hard to make your diary entry interesting for the reader! 😀 2tp.
Try to think carefully next time when you plan your writing. I think you might have had too much happening in your diary in one day, so it might be a bit confusing for the reader.
Monday 4th January 2015
Once I was bought from a shop. I fell out of a mans pocket. As I fell out of the mans pocket someone found me on the road. The lady took me to the cinema. I bounced into the movie.
When I was in the film I saw the Green ninja he was fighting loads of snakes! I didn’t like it there. They decide to take me to Disney land Paris.
Someone found me and took me on a long ride. After that he took me into a cabin because it was night. Soon after someone broke in and took me on a train to London. I felt scared.
Soon a guard found me. It was not long until I saw the Queen. A guard found another one. We had 5 babies. Me and my wife went to Lego land on a euro star. It was an exhausting day.
I was a pencil sharpener
By Samuel
Well done Samuel! 🙂 2tp. I like that you have organised your writing really into paragraphs.
Try to use better openers such as:
‘It all began …’
‘Later that day…’
‘A short while later…’
Friday 22nd October 2345
First, I got in a boys pocket and went in the car it was really early in the morning. I was very tired, but I was feeling quite excited we were going to New York City. Seconds later I was at
the airport.
Hours later I was at New York City. I wondered around the bedrooms in the hotel. I heard that
we were going to go to the shop later. I had a rest on the desk, I finally was relaxed. He finally picked me up and then we went to the shop. I was smiling .
The boy was jumping down the steps it made me feel sick. It made me feel worried because I was going to be sick! After I had a drink I felt loads better.
We went to the shop and I was feeling hungry he dropped some sweets in the pocket. So I ate them and my tummy hurt. A little while later I was feeling sick again. When I got home I went to sleep.
I was a memory drive (Ashley)
Well done Ashley! 2tp. I like that you have ordered the events well in your diary entry.
Remember for the start of each paragraph you should use an adverbial phrase to help the reader understand how much time has passed:
‘After a while’
‘Later that afternoon’
‘Shortly afterwards’
Thursday 1 October
First of all, I got up and went to the park in Paris with my master. I felt happy. Later on some other people came. We climbed a mountain and saw an eagle. He was flying high. The eagle was as fast as lightning.
A few minutes later someone put leaves in me and we played and then we realised that we were late so we ran to the farm.
I arrived at the farm and we hitched a ride on a tractor.I felt proud because we made it.
I was a pot
Well done Ashlee! 🙂 I really like that you have used some good openers like ‘first of all’ as it helps to order your writing. 2tp.
Remember to add enough detail in each paragraph to make it nice and interesting.
Tuesday 11th February 2011
I was bought from a shop. Then someone put me in their pocket. Then they put a paper and me in a suitcase and they tied me to the paper. The next thing I knew I was in a building. Soon I realised where I was. I was in Buckingham Palace.
I thought that Buckingham Palace was a famous place because Queen Elizabeth lives there. It was looking impressive inside, but it was very quiet because no one was there. Only the Queen,a girl and her family. She picked me up. A few minutes later it was time to go to the cinema.
They got into their car and drove to the cinema. When we got there I felt excited. Once we were inside a sudden light turned on. Then some people appeared on the stage. There were singing and dancing. It nearly was one hour and thirty minutes. Then, I flew on my paper.
When I woke up I knew I was beside a window. I looked down and saw some clouds. The weird thing was I was above the clouds. I realised I was in a plane.I tried to escape because I feel sick on planes. Soon I came to a halt. I was in India.
I walked on streets and bumped into another rubber band. I was a bit shy so I ran away, but the other rubber band ran after me. But he was very friendly and we hang out now ever since. That were we are now. In my new home in India. We hang out most of the time.
I was a rubber band(Nathan)
Well done Nathan! 🙂 2tp. I like that you have organised your writing really well by grouping it into paragraphs.
Try to use better openers for your writing, instead of starting with I, such as:
‘It all began …’
‘Later that day…’
‘A short while later…’
Thursday 1st October
I was on the street siting down on the curb. A man just picked me up and just went in the car. I was stuck in the car for a lot of time. The car just stopped after a long time. I was scared after a little bit and then the pocket ripped open.I fell down in a pond it was deep I fell down. I was scared when I got down into the whole. I was going to faint that’s how deep it was very deep.I felt terrified when I was going down. I fell down a deep whole at full blast.
The water full lent me to a ice mountains. It was freezing cold I thought I was going to freeze. When you touched the snow I was freezing. They was snow turning into ice. It was like I could have a lot of cloves I was scared because I was freezing cold. It was that cold. It felt like I could faint. That’s how scared I was. The water is cold as well. I didn’t now what to do. I am so scared. The place is cold every were I go. I would leave if I could.
I found a whole under the water. I jumped in it I cot out of that place and at last I cot home. I was happy. When I cot I was safe. I don’t want to go on that adventure again it was not the best one.
Thursday 1st October
I was on the street siting down on the curb. A man just picked me up and just went in the car. I was stuck in the car for a lot of time. The car just stopped after a long time. I was scared after a little bit and then the pocket ripped open. I fell down in a pond it was deep I fell down. I was scared when I got down into the whole. I was going to faint that’s how deep it was very deep.I felt terrified when I was going down. I fell down a deep whole at full blast.
The waterfall sent me to a ice mountains. It was freezing cold I thought I was going to freeze. When you touched the snow it was freezing. The snow was turning into ice. It was like I could have a lot of clothes. I was scared because I was freezing cold. It was that cold. It felt like I could faint. That’s how scared I was. The water is cold as well. I didn’t now what to do. I am so scared. The place is cold everywhere I go. I would leave if I could.
I found a whole under the water. I jumped in it I got out of that place and at last I got home. I was happy. I finally felt safe. I don’t want to go on that adventure again it was not the best one.
I was a pot (Joseph)
Very good story joseph, good imagination, very proud of you son
I agree with your mum Joseph! You have put a lot of effort into writing this diary entry. 😎 2tp. I like that you have organised your writing well into paragraphs.
Remember to read through your writing and try to extend your sentences with a conjunction. Also, try to use better openers at the start of your sentences such as:
‘It all began …’
‘Later that day…’
‘A short while later…’
Joseph you got ‘got’ wrong and you put ‘cot’ but well done.
Monday 21st October 2007,
First I charged up until I was fall,then i hopped into the taxi and when we went past the zoo I hopped out and when to explore,
I want past the lion and the snakes finally I found the elephant I fell in the food bowl and The elephant came near and with its big long trunk grabbed me and swallowed me hold. I was horrified it felt like my life was going to end in a elephant. I was in there for hours would i ever get out?it was dark.I tried lots of things to get out but nothing worked.suddenly Something happened it sneezed and i came flying out. I quickly ran out of the pen.
I got into the nearest taxi and got home and had a good sleep.My life was nearly discussed.
I was a battery (Oakley)
Great effort with your diary entry Oakley! 2tp. 😀 I liked your idea for it to be set in a zoo. You are starting to think about how to group your paragraphs too.
Remember to check your punctuation, as you have missed a couple of capitals and full stops.
Thursday 25th February 1920
I was suddenly snatched by my owner, I was taken to a train station. Suddenly I was thrown into a train carriage. The train was taken me to Antarctica. I was imagining how cold it would be. Suddenly the train skidded on the track. We had crashed.
I could hear passengers screaming as the train slowly cracked the ice . All the doors suddenly flung open lots of passengers ran out. I saw someone’s pet eagle it’s cage was broken . I knew what to do, I opened the door on the carriage I jumped on the eagle. The eagle was flying and the eagle was taking me home, it was wonderful as the eagle gently glided .
I was a badge (Ben)
Well done Ben! 2tp. I like that you used the word ‘suddenly’ to make it dramatic.
Try to use better openers for your writing such as:
‘It all began …’
‘Later that day…’
‘A short while later…’
Tuesday 29th September
I want to tell you something special that happened . A man dragged me and squeezed me as hard as he code. I was angry! A few minutes later I heard a noise which was coming from under the car.
An hour past and the noise stopped and the door opened. However, I got dropped the second I got out, it seemed he does not want me any more . Slowly he walked away . Happily a girl picked me up and brought me home .
Well done Sasha! 2tp. I like the good adverbs that you have used.
Try to use better openers for your writing such as:
‘It all began …’
‘Later that day…’
‘A short while later…’
Thursday 12th September 1920
I just want you to know I am going to Australia there was an outstanding sky and there was not a cloud.I could not believe where I was.It was so beautiful. And it was so amazing that the sky caught my eye.
And then I went to Paris first I went into someone’s pocket and then. The man went into an airplane to get to Paris.
Then I went to Arctic I felt astonished. I felt freezing because the boat was near the ice-bergs.
Good effort Lewis! 🙂 2tp. I can see that you’ve included interesting events.
Remember to write your diary entries in the past tense.
Thursday 1st October
I got in my car and got going however it was raining. I was in the mans pocket and he threw me out of his pocket but he stood on me. However a girl picked me up and put me in her pocket.
We had a walk to the temple and sat on the bench. I saw loads of cars on the road from the bench. We walked home.
We went on the aeroplane and got to Antarctica. I had fun. I got on the aeroplane again and flew home.
I was a rubber (Jake)
Well done Jake! 😀 2tp. I like that you have tried to organise your diary entry into paragraphs which makes it much easier to read.
Try to use better openers for your writing, instead of starting with I or we, such as:
‘It all began …’
‘Later that day…’
‘A short while later…’
Well done Jake, I liked how you used the word however I also liked how you made it dramatic. Next time try use adjectives and good openers.