Are you bored? 🙁
Well why not read Class 3’s latest piece of writing! We have been writing a description of an incredible fantasy world. We’d love to know what you think of them! 😀
Carrdyke Federation Blog
Walcott Primary School & Mrs Mary King's C of E Primary School
Tengami fantasy world by Sam
On a beautiful calm night the moon filled the stunning land. Just then, a wolf howled he felt lonely and terrified. He looked all around at the elegant dancing trees that filled Tengami. The howling sounded like a mighty old beast roaring in the wind. He saw the full moon as the deadly wolf howled at me.The old grass was giving him a sudden fear that a snake was going to jump out at him. But then it went as quiet as an angel floating in the midnight sky.
Hi Sam,
I like the way that you used brilliant descriptions of Tengami. Next time you could use a metaphor if you haven’t already used one. Also you could use powerful openers as well. Otherwise I really enjoyed reading your Tengami story! Well done! 🙂 From Tiffany
Sam this is one of the best pieces of writing you’ve ever written! 😀 2tp. I like the similes that you have used. Next time, make sure that you keep in the 3rd person. (Don’t use ‘I’ or ‘me’)
I love your Tengami story Sam well done:)
From Evie.p
Well done Sam, great work, it’s amazing by Ben
Well done Sam great work-joe 🙂
Well done Sam you got 2TP that is AMAZING! 🙂 from Mercedes!
Amazing work Sam. I like your describing words and your whole paragraph. i don’t think i would make any corrections. From Sam 🙂 (Class 4)
Tengami fantasy world by Tiffany.
As the bright moon glowed and the trees danced everything was silently still. The beautiful stream flowed sorrowfully through a crooked old bridge. The wind was howling like a mad stray dog. A viciously bloodcurdling pack of wolves slinked closer towards their steak out for the night. This place was far from ordinary as it was magical and mythical. Even the stars trembled about what lay ahead of them. Suddenly the wolves started waking up. They had heard a footstep being made. They then started to explore like mice looking for cheese.
A faint shadowy figure could be seen nearby. People say they only just made out it was a man. He was wearing blue camouflage clothing but it was camouflage enough to fool the wolves. He suddenly stood still aware of the terrifying creatures.
Brilliant effort Tiffany! 😀 2tp. You’ve included similes and personification. Next time, try to check where the commas are supposed to go. I’ve added one below to your sentence:
He was wearing blue camouflage clothing, but it was camouflaged enough to fool the wolves.
Thank you mr McCann! I will try and include the commas next time! 🙂 from Tiffany
Wonderful script writing Tiffany! Really left me wanting to read more! Beautifully descriptive! Well done! I look forward to reading your next piece! 🙂
Kind Regards Tiffanys Mum!
I love your work Tiffany! well done! 😀 from Conrad! 😉
I love your fantasy story Tiffany it is great.
From Evie.p
Next time Tiffany, use some more metaphors. From Evie.p 🙂
That is amazing Tiffany -joe 🙂
I really like yours Tiffany I’m looking forward to your next piece of writing :-p from Megan.
Well done Tiffany next time use a metaphor but every thing else is great! From Mercedes 🙂
Thankyou Mercedes I really appreciate it! from Tiffany! :–)
That’s amazing Tiffany! From Jack
Tengami fantasy world By Aaron
As the glowing moon shone brightly the trees started dancing. There was an old rickety bridge that shone under the moonlit sky. There were howling wolves and there was a dark and gloomy forest. The frightening forest covered the moonlit sky. There was a crackling sound that came from the distance.
Someone heard there footsteps going across the wide and narrow foot path. The moon was like a ball of ice.
Fantastic writing Aaron! 🙂 2tp. You’ve been very adventurous with your descriptions. I like the personification that you used. Next time, try to organise your writing by having the first paragraph about the setting and the second paragraph could introduce your character.
Fantastic description Aaron-joe :p
Well done Aaron – Sophia 🙂
Tengami fantasy story by Alanis
On a beautiful starry night the bright white beautiful moon was shining in the sky, some white beautiful wolves started howling ahead. The trees where dancing in the wind. The sky was as dark as a bears cave. The bushes where standing as still as ice. The wolves were following the man as he walked along. The sparkly beautiful lake was calmly moving as the wolves where howling loudly. The wind chimes where rattling elegantly. The moon filled the dark blue sky. The leaves were dropping off the trees.The wind nearly blew the trees down.The trees moved side to side with the wind. As the leaves fell off the trees the man adventured further.
Well done Alanis! 2tp. You’ve included lots of descriptions in your writing. Careful when you use the words were and where:
Where are you going?
We were going to go to the park.
Also try to include paragraphs. The first paragraph might be about the setting, the next might be about the character.
Hi Alanis. I really like yours, next time just add a metaphor. From Megan.
We’ll done Alanis you have done really well it is a great piece of writing.
From Evie.p 🙂
Astonishing story Alanis. A great piece of work-joe 🙂
Fantastic story Alanis. From Alanis’s mum
Great Alanis – Mercedes
Tengami Fantasy World by Mercedes.
As the glittering moon glowed throughout the land, a faint sound of howling wolves covered the land. Dark blue skies could be seen hovering over the mysterious world. Faint footsteps could be heard from the curious forest ahead. The gushing rivers sounded like a group of ghosts running past, chased by a ghost hunter.
Nearby a shadowy figure appeared from behind a mighty tree. It was a man dressed in mysterious dark blue clothes. Suddenly, a white wolf approached the man, he stood still waiting for it to come closer and sniff him , so it could sense some sort of danger. The wolf howled again spraying its magic so the dark steps closed near by. He looked puzzled, at what the wolf had just done! He then knew that the wolves were hunting him down like a cat killing a mouse.
He then heard another wolf chasing towards him,what could He do? Stay there and wish for the best or die trying to run away! It looked like he chose the first one, because he stood as still as still. The wolves came towards him in curiosity at what he was, he guess they don’t really knew what he was because they are wolves and he was a human, completely different things. As the wolves came closer the man became more and more wary! Was he going to live or DIE…..
Good work Mercedes! I liked when you said as the glittering moon glowed thorough out the land 😉 From Lewis
Wow Mercedes! I really like yours. Next time just add some emotions. from Megan
Thank you Megan! I really appreciate it. 😀 from Mercedes
Hi Mercedes,
I like the way that you used interesting sentences. Next time you could not use capital letters in the middle of sentences. Also you could not repeat your words to often. Otherwise I love you description of Tengami! 🙂 From Tiffany!
This is a superb piece of writing Mercedes! 2tp. 😀 You have organised your writing really well and the descriptions are very vivid. Next time, think of using time connectives at the beginning of your writing. Also remember to read through and check that you have put the punctuation in the correct place.
I like your description Mercedes. Try not to repeat yourself in the first few sentences. Victoria
Wow Mercedes it is a really good fantasy story, but next time use emotions of the character. From Evie.p 🙂
I’m blown away. I’m shocked! WOW! Flabbergasting description Mercedes -joe 🙂
Tengami Fantasy Story by Lewis
High in the sky the full moon looked like a Chinese lantern floating in the air. The sky was as dark as a cave, the howling wind made the trees dance. The cream coloured wolf howled In the wind.
He was worried as the walking wolves were following him. Suddenly he saw a spooky shadow in the distance. Will he live or would die?
Very good Lewis you’ve got a nice description. Next time add some adjectives from Joseph 🙂
Hi Lewis, I like your story. It was better then mine! Just remember to try to add some speech or chapters if you can. From Chloe 🙂
Cool fantasy story Lewis! Next time you could use a metaphor 🙂 from Tiffany!
Well done Lewis! 2tp. 😀 I knew you could write in an exciting and descriptive way! Next time, try to introduce the main character fully:
Suddenly, a mysterious figure could be seen in the distance… Who was it? The tall shadowy figure approached cautiously. It was a man wearing traditional Japanese clothing, carrying a samurai sword on his back.
Great metaphors Lewis!-joe 🙂
Hi Lewis. I like the way you put a spooky shadow in the distance. from Chloe.
Tengami fantasy world by Chloe.
On a spooky stormy night, the moon was like a big nightlight in the sky. The leaves danced in the wind. The sky was as dark as a meteor shower! All around the trees were howling loudly. Something unexpected was about to happen! The wind chimes were singing
peacefully, but the wolves were howling in the wind. Over the Rickety white bridge there was a beautiful sparkling waterfall.
Surrounded by wolves, he felt like a wolf snack! Would he live or die…? He lived! He saw wind chimes and rang them correctly, he checked if the coast was clear. The coast was clear, so he carried on walking.
I like the bit when you said on a spooky stormy night 🙂 from Aaron
Wow! 😀 This is brilliant Chloe! 2tp. I really like the similes that you used, especially the description of the main character feeling like a wolf snack! Next time, try to slowly and gradually introduce the main character. In your story he suddenly appears from nowhere.
Hi Chloe, great writing I think it’s better than mine it’s that good. I can’t think of any thing to improve. By Ben
If that is what you are writing now in year 6 you will be an author-joe 🙂
That’s good Chloe! From Jack
Tengami fantasy world by Joseph.S
As the huge moon floated across the gigantic land,the white wolfs started to howled I felt scared and know one was there to help me. He could see the sparkling water,as the dancing trees danced in the moon light. He could here a charm whistle in the distant.
He looked back and saw a shadowy figure in the distant. As he approached he wondered weather he was a samurai or a normal man and weather he will die or live? He was a samurai but he looked like a samurai from the past and it was very mysterious.
I love it Joseph it sounds really good!! 😀 from Mercedes!!!
Hi Joseph,
That fantasy story sounds amazing! Next time you could stick to writing in the third person. Otherwise I can’t wait to hear your next piece of writing! From Tiffany! 😀
Great effort Joseph! 2tp. 😀 I really like your description in the first paragraph! A few things to remember…
Careful when you write about more than one wolf = wolves.
Weather describes what it is like outside. I think you mean whether.
Such as: I’m not sure whether to play outside.
Hi Joseph!
I love your piece of writing like I said last time, but I also love the drama that you have put in about ‘will he live or die?’ It was great! I think you really tried hard well done! ; D . From Mercedes!
Tengami fantasy world by Ben
The falling snowflakes covered the land with snow. The ghostly moon, whoever came would be spooked. The dark sky covered the brightened land like a black blanket. The howling trees danced in the wind. The wolves were howling loudly, although they weren’t terrified. The fast flowing stream was as quick as cheetah. The howling wind nearly took the trees away. The sparkling waterfall shone like the sun, so much it might blind you if you look at it to long. In the the distance a black figure lay, now the wolves know what too do.
“I’m shaking like a rattle snakes tail!” A sword like shape appeared to be poking right behind him. As he walked Japanese module glowed red through the darkness it’s not any usual type of red. The gold edges shone like the sun. Will he live or die?
Well done Ben. The story is fantastic. I will look forward to reading your next one. From Sam 😀
I like your description. Next time you could use some feelings 😀 From Matthew
Well done Ben! 2tp. 😀 You have included lots of exciting descriptions in your writing. I can really tell that you are putting a lot of effort into achieving a high level with your writing! Next time, try to check your tense as it all needs to be in the past tense (will – would, know – knew). Careful with to and too:
They went to the cinema. I had too much to eat.
I like the sense of mystery and the way you have ended with a question. Try to find synonyms for howl. Victoria
Well done Ben. Good work. From Jack
WOW! Ben that really gave me the creeps. From Joseph.s 😀
Tengami fantasy land by Jay
On an odd and creepy night, as the stars shone brightly a man heard a terrifying creature howling. At least that’s what he thought it was. As he moved as slow as a sloth he realised something was creeping up on him… As he turned his heart grew heavy. Wolves were everywhere! They were blood thirsty snow wolves. He said to himself this is one unpleasant sight. While he heard the tranquil waterfall swirling in the dark of the forbidden wood, he bumped into a tree as big as a skyscraper. As he fell to the ground he realised there were wind chimes as shiny as a blue diamonds. Could they put the wolves to sleep? As he got up from the ground he rang the wind chimes. It was as if the wolves had been put to sleep. But who or what was that figure is that in the shadowed darkness of the crazy and horrid wood and is he evil! …
Wow! Jay you have used some fantastic vocabulary! 😀 2tp. Next time, try to organise your writing into paragraphs. Your first one could be about the setting and the next one could be about the character.
I really like yours Jay. Next time just add a simile. From Megan
Amazing work Jay. From Jack H
Tengami fantasy story by Megan
He was scared as the night grew full of darkness and the dark surrounded the moon. The moon was shinning like a crystal in the sky.Suddenly He heard a loud howl come from the distance . The trees hustled in the strong wind. The sky was as a dark as a persons dark cloak. The leaves hustled in the strong wind. I felt I was in a different . The wind was howling extremely loud. It was no ordinary land there was no people I’ve seen yet until now. He shivered and his teeth rattle in the strong growling wind. The stream went by like a rocket flying in the sky. In a far distance a shadow appeared the man got the sword out. was he going to kill him? Well he came out of his hiding place. He said “boo”he shouted
Megan this is an amazing story well done. From Evie P.
Wow! Megan you have lots of exciting descriptions! 2tp. 😀 Next time, remember to read through your writing to check that it makes sense. Look for full stops that you may have missed, also look at the person that you write in. Sometimes you were writing in the first person and sometimes in the second.
Thank you Mr McCann for my comment. From Megan 🙂
wow Megan! I cannot think of a way to improve it.maybe you will be a Author one day. From Chloe.
Amazing work Megan. from jack h
Tengami fantasy world story by Matthew
As the sherbet-like moon filled the sky, the white wolf howled like the wind. The cotton wool clouds filled the sky, the trees danced with the moon. The fast flowing water flowed under the rickety old bridge, he came across a wolf, an evil wolf. Wherever he walked the horrifying wolf just followed him and he began to get annoyed. Then he came across a tree with four bloodthirsty wolfs around it. He was frightened. But then the samurai warrior saw some wind chimes on the tree so he used his force to pull them out but he had to pull them out in order and he did and the wolfs went to sleep.
Then when he got all the wolfs to sleep he walked off but then he saw a shadowy figure the shadow had a sword in his hand the figure began to get closer and closer…
Hi Matthew,
I like the way you used personification in there! Well Done! 😀 from Tiffany
Thanks Tiffany 😉 🙂 from Matthew .
Wow! Matthew you have written a wonderful description of this setting! 😀 2tp. I particularly like the way that you described the wolves hunting the samurai. Next time, remember to read through and check that you have included punctuation. You have one very long sentence that should be 2 or 3 sentences instead at the end. Also try not to rush your endings. Keep up the great writing 🙂
Wow Matthew good work! From Lewis
Tengami Fantasy World by Pollyanna
The moon was shining brightly. They could here a howl in the distance. The man was shivering like an Earth quake. He looked terrified. But why?
Wolves where everywhere. He could hear the wind chimes tingling. The stream was freezing cold he shivered when he touched it. He walked further. Then he stoped. He heard a wolf pack.
Would he live or die. One of the pack aproched him. It followed him to its pack four wind chimes tingled and the pack fell asleep.
Cool story Pollyanna. I like the part when you Said ‘he was shivering like an earthquake! Next time you could use a metaphor! 😀 from Tiffany!!
Lovely description Pollyanna! 2tp. 🙂 You have included lots of interesting detail in your writing. Next time, try to describe the setting more for the first paragraph. Then introduce the character in the second paragraph, but try not to rush.
I like your story Pollyanna from Matthew 😀
Remember question marks, but the rest is fab. Victoria
Tengami by Vinny
It was a full moon, as the trees danced in the wind. The moon was like a glowing diamond in the sky. As he walked more, he came near a river it was like a smooth wind dancing in his hair. He felt like he’s been attack by a dangerous eagle with the red eyes. The moon was like a ball of fire with the howling wolf glowing in the moon light. He thought he was going to be In danger by the spooky wolves. I bet he was scared as the following wolf was following him everywhere will He Live or die?
Excellent Vinny! 2tp. 😀 You have been very adventurous with your description. I especially like the question you asked at the end to try and excite the reader! Next time try to organise your writing into paragraphs. The first paragraph might have just been about the setting and the second one could have introduced the main character.
I love it Vinny your tengami story is amazing from Matthew 😉
Tengami fantasy world by Harry
As the waving river was swirling, the wolves were howling loudly. All the trees were dancing in the wind, while the darkness covered the moon.
As he walked across the sparkling water fall, he heard an ominous creak. Would he live or die? He was shaking like a rattle snakes tail.
Wow! Super writing Harry! 2tp. This was very exciting to read and I loved the personification in your second sentence. Next time, try not to rush introducing your character. You might have described him from far away:
A shadowy figure could be seen in the distance. Who could it have been?
Tengami Fantasy World By Evie L
One cold winter’s night, there were sorrowful flowers growing. Mysterious trees were swaying in the wind. Freezing cold water was flowing under a rickety old bridge. The land was full of worry and there wolfs howling every where . Suddenly there was a sound… that sound was like a heart pounding.
Then all of a sudden, a man appeared by the tree looking confused. What had happened he thought? Then he was starting to walk forwards closer and closer towards the wolves.
Hi, Evie l
I really enjoyed reading Your tengami story! Next time you could use a simile or a metaphor. Can’t wait to hear your next piece of writing! 😀 from Tiffany!
The land was full of worry – is a metaphor
the sound was like a heart pounding – is a simile
Remember to double check your comment when you give feedback Tiffany. Evie L. has already included these things. I’m sure you’ll check next time. 🙂
Well done Evie! 2tp. 🙂 I really like the way you have organised your writing into paragraphs that match the writing. Next time, you could describe the man in more detail.
Tengami fantasy world by Lilly
On a beautiful calm night the trees danced in the wind and the moon shone like fire. She heard a wolf it sounded like it was getting closer and closer. Suddenly she saw a spooky shadow in the distants then the wolf walked close to her.
Cool story Lilly! Next time you could use a simile or a metaphor! 🙂 from Tiffany!
Super effort Lilly! 2tp. 🙂 I like the personification that you used in the first sentence. Next time, try to add more descriptions of the setting, before you introduce the character.
Lilly I do agree with Tiffany that you could use a simile Or a metaphor
Fantasy Story by William
There was an old wooden bridge that creaked in the gentle wind. The sky was as dark as coal and the trees blew in fear as leaves fluttered into the flowing river. As the moon slid out from behind the dark clouds he heard wolves howling. In the distance he saw a shadow amongst the trees he was feeling anxious. He was feeling anxious.
Superb effort William! 😀 2tp. I like the interesting similes that you have used. Next time, try to group your writing into paragraphs. The first paragraph might describe the setting and the second could introduce the main character.
Great try William with your tengami story! Next time you could use a metaphor!
😀 from Tiffany!
Good use of personification/similes. Victoria
Hi class 3,
I really enjoyed reading all of your tengami stories, and I can’t wait to read your next piece of writing! 😀 from Tiffany! 😀
TENGAMI FANTASY WORLD BY EVIE L
As the moonlight glittered in the sky, a man walked up some steps, towards the house that stood on stilts. The house was as quiet and still as a graveyard. The roof was as pointy as a spire. He heard some wolfs howling in the distance. It started to get spooky now with Wolfs everywhere and the house so dark. What should he do, turn around and go or not? He decided to be brave and carry on.
To Tiffany. Well done i like your first sentence of your story. Next time try to add personification. From Alanis 🙂
Well done class 3, i like everyone’s work. From Jack h